Doing Life Together

Actually, I wrote this two years ago, but I think these thoughts are still valid.

1. I’ve found that my day goes better if I start it by checking in with God. I thank Him for the day, ask for His guidance, read a chapter of scripture or a daily devotional, pray, listen for His voice.
2. When you notice someone doing an excellent job, say so, whether it’s your child, your spouse, or a stranger just doing his job. Affirmation is so validating. It will make their day.
3. Don’t prejudge people. Instead, assume you’re going to like them.
4. Give people the benefit of the doubt. When people are unkind or thoughtless, try not to take offense. You don’t know what they’re going through.
5. Forgive people who have wronged you, whether they deserve it or not. It’s not for their benefit, it’s for yours. Holding a grudge just prolongs your pain.
6. Love as many people as you can. I don’t mean romantically, though it’s good to have one significant other. But care about the people in your life. Your family, your friends, your coworkers, your neighbors, the people within your circles.
7. Show appreciation for the people who serve you. Say thank you to the clerk who bags your groceries. Thank military, veterans, police officers, and first responders for the work they do. Thank your teachers and your children’s teachers. Give a smile and a wave to the mailman and the sanitation workers.
8. Read every day. If you don’t have money for books and magazines, get a library card and use it regularly. Reading enlarges your world, teaches you, entertains you. It’s time well spent.
9. Give whatever you can. Find a cause you can support, whether it’s a church, an organization that gives medical care to the poor, a politician you believe in, or a scholarship fund. If you don’t have money, give your time. Become a volunteer.
10. When you see a need that’s within your power to fill, go ahead and do it, not for the benefit of being recognized, but to pay forward what you’ve been given. Make the world a better place. Whether it’s opening a door for someone whose hands are full, giving a customer ahead of you a couple of dollars when they’re short of money for their grocery order, or slowing down on the freeway so someone can merge ahead of you, be gracious.
11. Move. If you like sports, don’t just be a spectator, play! Find something you enjoy doing. Bowl. Dance. Hike. Swim. Being active is good for your body, your brain, and your soul. I’m in a folk dance group, and a lot of our dancers are in their eighties. Moving keeps you young. It gives you stamina.
12. Drink lots of water. The U.S. National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine determined that an adequate daily fluid intake is about 15.5 cups (3.7 liters) of fluids a day for men, and about 11.5 cups (2.7 liters) of fluids a day for women. 16 cups equals one gallon, so if you drink almost a gallon of water a day, you’re doing good, especially when it’s hot out.
13. And if you feel like snacking, drink a glass of water instead. It will help you lose weight. Sometimes hunger is thirst in disguise.
14. Try to eat mostly real food—you know, things that grew in a garden, fruits and vegetables. We probably don’t need to eat as much meat as the average American eats, and certainly not as much beef. Chicken and fish are better for you, and it’s good to have a few meatless days a week. Try not to eat much food that comes out of a box. And I’ve discovered that if I eat out too much, I start to miss home-cooked meals.
15. Smile. It will help you maintain a positive attitude. And you’ll look better.
16. When you mess up, apologize. Try not to defend yourself; sometimes that just makes things worse. If you can, make things better—repair the damage, or pay to replace something you’ve broken or lost.
17. If you are employed, consistently do your best work. Be professional. Be kind to your coworkers and your clients. But strive for a good work/home balance. Work is not more important than family.
18. If someone at work makes a good suggestion, acknowledge it. When someone compliments you on your work, and that good suggestion contributed to your success, give the other person credit.
19. If you have a problem with someone at work, don’t complain about them, but go directly to them and address your concern in a non-confrontational way. If they said something that hurt you, ask for clarification. “What did you mean when you said blah-blah-blah?” Seek understanding. Then, if you still feel wronged, express your point of view without any anger. See if you can come to a resolution together before involving anyone else.
20. Have patience with children, your own or other people’s. They grow up so fast. Don’t push them along the way. Let them be kids.
21. Read to the little ones in your care. If possible, make it part of their naptime and/or bedtime routine. Cuddle them and give them your full attention for a half hour or so. Be willing to read their favorite books over and over. Read with expression. Make unique voices for the characters. Ham it up.
22. I believe that kids who are read to learn to read more easily than children who are never read to. Teach children their letters, one at a time, starting with the first letter of their name. “Here’s M for Michael. It sounds like mmmmmm.” Do that every day, and soon Mikey will be finding M’s everywhere. Then move on to D for Daddy, etc.
23. As you read, run your finger below the words. You’ll help them track from left to right, and little by little they’ll start linking the way words look with their sounds.
24. When your children start school, be sure to tell them to do what their teacher tells them to do. When I taught, I met a lot of kids who assumed following my directions was optional. That’s classroom anarchy.
25. Every morning when I dropped my kids off at school, I told them three things: Learn a lot. Be good. I love you.
26. When your kids are young, tell them they can go to any college they want if they get a scholarship. Tell them their best chance of getting a scholarship is to do well in school, volunteer in the community, and be very good at something they like (sports, debate, chess, art, drama, music, etc.). This will encourage them to dream, to excel, and to work toward a goal.
27. Don’t do everything for your kids. Require them to take care of their things and to do chores around the house in service to the family. You don’t do them any favors by not teaching them to cook, clean, and do laundry.
28. Don’t have too many possessions. When you have too much stuff, it owns you instead of vice versa. It takes up too much space, and you’ll have trouble finding what you need. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve bought duplicate items either because I couldn’t find something or because I forgot I already have it. It wastes your time and your money.
29. That said, try not to throw out too much. I used to think I was being virtuous by taking my no-longer-wanted clothing to Goodwill. But do you know that thrift shops can only sell about 10% of the clothes they receive? The rest get sold for rags or are exported to third world countries. That sounds like a good thing, but it’s actually a crisis. In general, what America throws away ends up poisoning the world. How do we stop doing that? First of all, by not buying so much stuff. Secondly, by not throwing stuff away, but continuing to use it, finding a new purpose for it, repairing it instead of replacing it, or by giving it to someone who wants it.
30. Do you know that most of the plastic we put in recycling bins never gets recycled? Clear water bottles (and aluminum cans) get recycled the most. But the rest of it just winds up in landfills and oceans. We should demand that manufacturers come up with biodegradable packaging or ways to recycle current containers. In the meantime, try not to buy things packaged in plastics, or try to find good uses for those containers instead of throwing them away.
31. It’s never too late to learn something new. Do you know you can learn a language online for free?  You can learn a lot of things for free on YouTube. You can take online courses, some inexpensively. You can find free or almost free classes at your public library. You can find some inexpensive classes at adult education community centers and community colleges. And you can learn from books from the library and used book stores. If you want to learn how to tune your car, how to crochet, or how to reupholster a couch, you can probably find a way through one of these options. And everything you learn how to do exercises your brain and builds new neural pathways.
32. If you want to get good at something, commit to practicing it daily. Whether it’s shooting baskets, playing an instrument, or building furniture, the more consistent you are about practicing, the better you’ll get at it.
33. And practicing isn’t just about doing something over and over. Be strategic about how you practice. If you want to be able to draw realistic faces, practice drawing the individual parts—eyes, ears, noses, lips, hair. Or if you want to play a piece on the piano, isolate the sections that are hard for you, and play those parts over and over until they become easier. Then decide exactly how you want them to sound—legato or staccato, loud or soft, fast or slow, as written or embellished, and focus on your sound until it’s just the way you want it.
34. Once in a while, handwrite someone a letter on paper. Put a stamp on it and send it through the postal system. Yes, it’s not as immediate as a text or an email, but it’s so personal and thoughtful. 99% of the mail that comes to me gets tossed into recycling without getting read—it’s all advertising, political propaganda, or requests for donations. But a letter, that’s an event. It shows that someone cares about you.
35. If you’re not writing letters, at least send cards to friends and family for birthdays and special holidays, to say thank you, or when someone is ill, grieving, having a rough time, or has accomplished something noteworthy.
36. Great countries provide high-quality, free education to every child. They trust the educators in the trenches to devise the techniques that work to impart knowledge and required skills to their students. They don’t give legislators all the decision-making power.
37. Beware of efforts to “privatize” public education. That’s just a scheme to make some people (the owners) rich at the expense of students, their families, and their teachers.
38. Be a wise steward of your time. You can’t do every good thing. When you’re asked to do something, don’t automatically say yes. Think about it. Do you have the time required for the commitment? Are you the right person to do it? Is it something you’re even interested in? If you know you can’t (or you really don’t want to), it’s okay to come right out and say no. (That’s preferable to saying, “I’ll get back to you.”) If it’s not a good fit for your priorities, don’t let yourself be bullied into doing it.
39. Despite what a lot of my friends believe, I don’t think human beings are born good. I don’t even think we’re born a clean slate. I think we’re born selfish. When we’re born, we’re only aware of our own needs. We cry to communicate that we’re uncomfortable and unhappy, and when someone (a parent or caretaker) responds by filling our needs, it becomes an expectation.
40. We are, however, born with a capacity for good. But it takes good parenting to unlock that capacity. We care for our children because it’s our responsibility, but we must also teach them how to be good. We teach them the difference between right and wrong. We model compassion, and help them to discern how their actions affect other people. We reinforce good behaviors and discourage bad or dangerous actions. We can’t neglect that duty.
41. Worry is time wasted. The worst thing that could possibly happen seldom does. The situation you’re dreading usually goes better than expected. I find that it helps me if I tell God about it, then acknowledge that I know He will be with me and I trust He will get me through it. That mindset frees me from worry and helps me take everything in stride.
42. Healing takes time. Whether you’re in physical pain or emotional pain, you’re probably not going to get better overnight. Give yourself a little grace. Don’t expect too much of yourself.
43. The cure for distraction is focus. Sometimes focus is simply mindfulness. Identify the priority for the moment, and give it all your attention.
44. Mindfulness is especially important when you are one-on-one with somebody, especially your spouse or best-loved special person, your child, or a coworker. When you give yourself over to really listening to someone, deeper connection is possible.
45. Be sure you tell the important people in your life that you love them. Surely your spouse, your children, your parents, your relatives and your friends. Tell them often. Every time you see them or talk to them, if possible.